


The Perks of Being a Wallflower

by K_Vader



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Autistic Peter, Book Inspired, Cute, Disturbing Themes, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Peter is too precious for this world, Slow To Update, Wade has scars but not in the Deadpool kind of way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-08 11:11:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8842432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K_Vader/pseuds/K_Vader
Summary: "Things change, friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."
  
  
  Stephen Chbosky





	1. Chapter 1

**November 1, 2016**

\- My therapist told me to write my everyday experiences to find out how I am progressing, I feel it is strange because my life is not so interesting. She says it is a good hobby for me, because it helps me understand how I feel, to even know which days are good and what exactly is that I do to make those days that way. I don’t know how that helps, but here we go. 

Today was a good day, I guess. I went shopping with my older brother, he spent talking about all these parties to which he is invited and how "hot" this girl he met was. I always feel happy when I spend time with him. We ate some ice cream and then I came back home to finish my homework. 

We have a new teacher, Mr. Matt. He is blind, and some classmates grimaced as he passed, I'm sure he knows, but he simply detracts from them. He liked the way I knew all the answers, though I never answered out loud, I just whispered them every time he passed next to me. 

After classes he gave me a book _"One hundred Years of Solitude"_. I have read it before, but I did not tell him because I will probably read it again, and he told me that we will discuss it tomorrow, which is good, I can never talk about books with others that are not my Aunt and my brother. I know they act as if they are paying attention, but it is only because they are polite. It’s okay, that means they care. 

Today was a good day. 

 

**November 2, 2016**

-Hi there, I don’t know how to start these letters, I feel like I should have a name, as an alias, not to feel that I'm just talking to myself. I'll think about it. Anyway: 

Today my therapist called me back to her office, her name is Wanda. She wanted to know how I felt, I think what she wants to know is if I'm having bad thoughts, that's how she calls them, but I let her know that I was fine. In all honesty, I don't even know how I feel most of the time. 

Mrs. Wanda mentioned Gwen and asked how I felt about that. "I'm fine," I said and that was all I could say, because again, most of the time I don't even know how I feel. She kept talking, but for the rest of the meeting I was somewhere else. 

Matt and I talked about the book, he was surprised that I had finished it in almost a single day. I just like to read, and I also like Mr. Matt, he's a good teacher. 

Today was mostly a good day. 

 

**November 3, 2016**

-After a lot of thoughts, this particular name came to me, because I feel less strange when writing to a second person. The reason I chose this name is mostly because I like spiders, so I hope you like it as much as I do. 

Dear Spider-man, 

My friend Harry called from Dubai, he says that everything is going well, he talked about his new school, because his father made him change schools again. He says he's used to it, I don’t know how he does it, I get anxious every time classes start over, and I've always been in the same school. 

Anyway, back to Harry, because Mr. Matt says I'm very smart but I just need to focus on one topic at a time. Many people say that I ramble in conversations. I cannot control it, it just happens involuntarily. See, just like right now. 

Let's go again, my friend Harry. We've been friends since we were kids together with Gwen before the accident. Harry is great guy, his father is a bit egocentric. Egocentric is a word we use today in the English class, and Mr. Jarvis says we have to use more exquisite words in our vocabulary. 

I got lost again, I'm sorry. Harry left the country two years ago, we don’t talk as much as we did before, but every time we get in touch I feel happy. He has a lot to tell. 

My brother had to leave for a work trip today, and called to let us know that they landed perfectly. My Aunt May was very happy to hear from him and I, too. He's a great guy, maybe I should talk a little bit about my family, after all I have not introduced myself, funny I will introduce myself to myself. 

I live with my aunt and my brother. My aunt's name is May and she's forty-four, my brother says her middle-age crisis is yoga, I think it's funny because that's all she talks about, and she goes to classes twice a week. She is a very strong, kind and independent woman, and I love her with all my heart. 

My brother is twenty-three years old, he studied electrical engineering in Massachusetts, but graduated at the age of 21, and now he works at this place called Stark Industries. He's very smart and popular, his name is Anthony, but we call him Tony -naturally- he is a great guy, always worried about the welfare of my aunt and mine. I love him too. 

Today was a good day. 

 

**November 4, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

-Remember when I mentioned the word egocentric? 

By the way, I don't know if I should greet you every time I write. Is it rude not to greet yourself? 

Anyway, egocentric. I have to take an extracurricular class, my therapist insisted that I have to take more risks, so I chose theater. The people there are very funny, but the particular reason I mentioned the word is because I met this guy who was very unique. He came late to class and the teacher was very angry, then he sat down beside me and without warning he whispered to me. 

"He's so dramatic." 

As I normally don’t talk to strangers, I really didn’t know what to say, let alone, since I had hardly had the opportunity to meet the theater teacher. 

So in response, I just nodded and the guy laughed. He has many scars, some over his face and I think all over his body too, I'm not sure though because he wore a hoodie, the day was cold so it was an obvious choice of clothing. In addition, it is rude to stare for a long time when you have just met someone. I am not an expert in socialization, but from this if I know from experience, because when I was younger and my aunt went to the school to enroll my brother and me, the director was wearing a patch over his eye and I could not stop looking. At some point when it was being too obvious, my brother nudged me. 

"Peter, stop staring like that." He whispered to me, then he explained why it's wrong, and how people might feel uncomfortable because they might think they are being judged. I remember how embarrassed I was, because it really was not my intention to be rude. 

Anyway, back to what happened. The guy leaned over my desk and read the word egocentric in my notebook. 

"Well there you go, that word right there describes him better." he said with a wink. 

Since I can’t speak ill of someone I don’t even know, I simply answered with the truth "I haven't had a chance to meet him." 

The guy looked at me with narrowed eyes and I felt a little uncomfortable, I was about to change my seat, when he smiled and chuckled. 

"I like you." He simply said. Then he put on the headphones, lying down in his chair. 

And that's how, dear Spider-Man, that the word _"Egocentric"_ helped me make a new friend. 

Today was a good day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need a more original name haha


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***[Here's some Wade for this fic](https://68.media.tumblr.com/7cb7a2af30a188c5b0a6e9227182dad2/tumblr_oi8i13a24Q1uzoq5oo1_540.jpg)***

**November 6, 2016**

Dear Spiderman, 

-Mrs. Wanda says I have to write about my past. I really don't like to inquire there, there are a lot of things I can't remember. Mrs. Maximoff -That's her last name, by the way. She is Mr. Jarvis's wife. I think it's great, both are very good people- Anyway, she says that's why I need to write about it, because only then I will move on. I think it's just her trying to dig in my life. Howbeit, I don't mind, I like her. Howbeit is another word I learned, I hope I’m using it correctly. 

Back to my past. I'll write some parts and then I'll tell you the others. 

I have to introduce myself first. That is something that is usually done from the moment you meet someone. But we started differently, I talked about my family but not about me. I guess you and I or _'me and I'_ are distinct from other people. 

My name is Peter, I'm sixteen years old, and I'm weird. That is how most people describe me, I don't mind. 

I used to have friends, I say "I used to" because now they are gone. One, Gwen. She died. We'll get to that later. 

The other is Harry, and you already know what happened. He's still my friend, I just wish everything was the same. 

I used to have another friend, but he changed and now he's mean to me. I wish I could know why. I always try to be a good person, but I guess there are others who do not appreciate that. His name is Eugene, but he insists on being called Flash. We used to talk and have fun all the time when we were kids. People change when they grow up, it's part of life and that's fine. I think what bothers me the most is that Flash never told me why he suddenly started to hate me. 

Aunt May says it's probably because he has trouble at home. Tony says it's because he's an asshole. Maybe both are right. 

I like books and science. I also like to write, that's a recent thing, and you’ll guess when I figured that out. 

Doing this makes me realize that there is not much of my past that I would like to talk about, especially since there's not much. 

Maybe I’ll get to the rest later. 

Today was regular. 

 

**November 9, 2016**

Dear Spider-man, 

-I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday -or the day before, in fact- but I've been very busy. Not that suddenly I became popular, we both know that train is gone. I've been reading a lot, and listening to music, because that was not something I did before. The music, I mean. And my brother called and said that he would come tomorrow, and that he wants to have a party because he closed a good deal. 

My aunt is not so much into the idea, but after many pleadings of my brother and partly mine. She accepted, saying that she was not going to stay and that Tony had to be responsible for me. I don’t like being a burden, but he said that now I'm a big man and that I can handle it. 

So it was that I figured I need to learn how to dance. Mrs. Wanda says not all parties are supposed to have dances, but I’d better not risk it. Who knows, maybe I could find a nice girl who wants to dance with me. Even if she is older, I just want to get a chance to dance with someone other than my aunt. 

 

**November 10, 2016**

Mr. Matt gave me another book _'Journey to the Center of the Earth'_ I have read it too, but I will reread it. Mr. Matt says it's challenging to find books for me, but that he enjoys challenges. I'm glad I can make him enjoy something in life. 

My brother brought a girl home, her name is Amanda or Raquel. It's not my fault I can't remember, my brother is the one who never remembers. 

He brings different girls every week, I guess that's because he’s good looking and according to my aunt, he has a talk. I wish I could explain what that is, but I have no idea. 

One thing I've always wondered is how my brother manages to have so much clothing. Because every girl who brings home almost always wakes up with one of his shirts on and leaves the house with the thing on. He says it's a strategy, I just don't get it. Why let them take the shirt, if in the end you will not get it back? He says I'm naive, but it just doesn’t make sense. 

The party will take place on Friday, which is tomorrow. I'm nervous about that, but I think it's the good kind of nervous, because it makes me smile. 

There are different types of nervousness, you may know about this from experience. There is the kind of nervousness you get when you start school the next morning. That to me is a bad kind of nervous. There is a nervousness of expectancy in the good kind of way. Like when you know you're going to the beach the next day and you feel very happy, that's how I feel about this party. 

There is another kind of nervousness, at least that's what my brother said when I told him about it. He mentioned the one you get when you're about to kiss someone you really like. I wish I could explain that one, but I don't know how that feels. 

I've only kissed a person in my life, and we did it out of curiosity. I was nervous, but I don't think it is the kind my brother talks about. He mentioned something about the nervousness of the moment, the feeling you have before, during and after. The kiss I had was quick and there was not so much passion in between. 

Now that we're at it, I'll talk about it. And I'm letting you know that I'm going to change the subject because Mr. Matt says it's easier to follow. That is good to let people know. 

Gwen and I were thirteen, she liked this other boy and was very nervous -probably the nervousness my brother talks about-. She asked for my help because she had never kissed anyone before, and neither did I. So she told me it was a plus for both of us. 

I was nervous, because I loved Gwen, what I felt for her was more like the kind of affection you feel for someone, which is so strong that it's okay if they love you in a romantic way or just as friends. You're okay with both options because at least you're happy to have them in your life. 

Well, that was Gwen for me, and I was happy to have her in my life. 

The day we kissed, we went to her house. She closed the door to her room, and we were both very nervous. We sat on the bed and looked at each other. She was so pretty, there is no way to explain how beautiful she was. The thing is, she told me to relax, and I did, in all honest I did. Because I was helping her and I like to help. 

She leaned forward and kissed me, it went very fast and I felt some butterflies in my stomach. That's something they say in movies that people feel, when actually the real sensation comes from our visceras, and they are as real as colics or belly burning. But then again, I'm not an expert in love matters. 

Going back to Gwen. I was very glad we kissed, but that was it. Then she started dating that other guy and everything went back to normal. 

Harry got mad at her for a while, at first he didn’t want to mention why he was angry. But one day when he became very enraged, because I kept insisting that they needed to be friends again, he exploded and yelled at me. 

"Can't you see, Peter? She used you! Like you're a toy. She knows how you feel about her and even so, she did."

I didn’t understand, and I was very sad because Harry should not have been angry with Gwen for that. She asked and I agreed. So that's what I told him, and Harry got even angrier, not talking to any of us for a week. 

Gwen felt bad, and one afternoon she sat down with me to apologize, telling me how selfish she had acted and how good a friend I was. But really, I wasn't angry with her, not with Harry. I was happy to have helped and couldn't understand what the big deal was. 

You must think I'm silly, even I think I am. But there are things I just don't understand and people get so deep about them, and that's when I get stressed because I want to understand in order to fix the problem. But I just can't. 

Anyway, this letter is already too long and talking about these things gives me headaches, so I better stop now. 

Other than that. Today was a good day.

 

**November 11, 2016**

Dear Spider-man, 

-Remember the egocentric guy? Who is not egocentric, I just named him that way because I don't know his real name. 

Anyway. I saw him again in theater class today. He is always late, and Mr. Logan -that's the professor's name- got angry again, even calling him a _"merc with a mouth"_. I don’t think he said it in a bad way, because they laughed after he called him that. 

Anyhow, he saw me too and waved. He waved! I shouldn't be so excited, but it's been a while since someone who is not my aunt or my brother waves at me. 

Back to today. The guy didn’t sit next to me this time, but went directly to where a redheaded girl was. She is pretty, I wish I could be good with descriptions. Mr. Jarvis says I need to work on that, so I should probably try to describe them. 

She's pretty. Red and short hair. She has a piercing in her nose. They are called "septum" -I google it-. Her eyes are brown, just like mine. Aunt May says mine are hazel, I think they are brown, but as Mr. Jarvis says we need to be more "exquisite," then I will use the word hazel to describe them. 

Therefore, her eyes are hazel and she has pale skin, just like mine, and she is very pretty. 

The egocentric guy is blond, I could not tell the last time we met because he wore a hoodie, remember? 

He is tall, and his eyes are blue. That I realized the last time, because they are deep eyes. People say that the eyes are the window of the soul. I think his are. Oh, and he has many scars. I mention it again because he really has them and I don’t think I've met a teenager with so many scars. These scars are the type you get in a fight, not that I've ever been in one, but it's obvious -I think-. Maybe he got involved with the wrong people. That's what others say when you get into trouble and you have scars. 

He has a tattoo, I did not see it before because of the hoodie –again-. Plus the area where he has the tattoo was not in my vision zone. He has it on his neck, on the left side, and the design is octopus tentacles coming out of a skull. I like tattoos, but I'll probably never have one. Needles make me nervous.

They are good looking people, so they make a good looking couple. 

Either way, they seemed very close. I think they are a couple because they whispered a lot to each other, the kind of whisper that you only use with someone you trust. But again, I'm not an expert. 

After class, he came running to me. I was confused by this, but he smiled broadly. 

"Hey there!" He said, and I froze, so he laughed again. I also think he has a nice smile. 

"I hear you’re Tony's brother." I nodded "I see." 

Then the girl came up to him and smiled at me as well. Her smile is beautiful, too. 

"Hi!" She said, and I was really confused because these people were talking to me. 

"Hi!" That was all I said back. 

"There's a party at your house tonight."

"Yes."

"Are you gonna be there?" 

"Yes."

"Cool."

"Yes."

Then they both laughed, but it was not a derogatory laugh, they just seemed to be laughing with me. Even though I did not get the joke. 

"We will see you then." 

He said, and then they left. 

And now I'm nervous, because that means they'll be at the party and I don’t think I've learned all the dance steps correctly. 

My brother is calling me, apparently he needs help with the food. If I don’t get too tired, I'll write about the party later. Wish me luck. 

Today -so far- has been a good day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."_   
>    
>  **Stephen Chbosky**


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY!
> 
>   
>  ***[Natasha](https://68.media.tumblr.com/e348dfdcce18fab7c9ece00cecf18a75/tumblr_ojf6ce9FVf1uzoq5oo1_540.jpg)***   
> 

**November 13, 2016**

Dear Spiderman, 

-Okay, I have no idea how to start this letter because... Well, first of all I'm sorry I did not write yesterday after I came home, yes, I went out. But we'll get to that later. I was too tired and probably would have fallen asleep. 

Anyhow, the party. I'll start from the beginning and see where we go from there.

My brother and I decorated everything, he put lights through the house, Christmas lights. I asked him why and he said it was because it gave the place a more intimate vibe. I understood what he meant by "vibe" with the scenarios that followed.

But back to the beginning. So while we were at it, the girl Tony brought home the other night showed up, and Tony seemed to freeze, as if he did not expect her. The girl came with one of Tony's friends, who shrugged embarrassed. I heard them talking in the kitchen after they left Raquel or Amanda in the living room. She was definitely not supposed to show up. Tony's friend, whose name is Thor by the way -Yes, it's a strange name, but he is from another country- he explained that she saw him in the shop and asked him about the liquor he was buying and he -and I quote my brother- "Like the stupid you are." 

He asked her if she wasn’t invited. The girl said she probably was, but she forgot. So Thor took her to the party and now my brother wanted to kill him. 

After that, many people began to appear. Tony first came out of the kitchen and headed for the door to receive each guest. But after the first six people, he left the door open for the rest to come in. As I said before, my brother is very popular.

In any case, there were some people from my school. Like guys from the football team and cheerleaders. People who would never talk to me in the hallways. Tony said he didn’t know why they were here, since he had only invited some people from school, but he let it pass. The only person of the football team that he made sure did not dare to appear was Flash, no matter how much I insisted it was okay. 

At first people were chatting, drinking and smoking and the music was low. My brother warned me that if I wanted something to drink, I had to ask him and only him. But I was not interested in that to be honest. 

Two hours later, the music became louder and people were kissing in the hallways. That's where the _"intimacy"_ of the Christmas lights played its part.

A couple asked if they could use my aunt's room and I nodded, but my brother took them out right away. Then he got lost and the couple came back. I tried to convince them otherwise, but they were already removing their shirts, so I left. 

I stood in front of the door, at least that way I could warn other people not to enter there, although the noises coming out of it made that more than obvious.

While I was there I could not stop studying the people around me. To my right were a couple of girls kissing, almost taking each other's breaths, and I really wondered how they could breathe. 

On my left side were a group of people, they were laughing and talking in whispers. One pulled out a plastic bag with pills, they had many colors, in a pastel tone. He stretched out a pill to one of the girls and she put it on her tongue. They probably noticed that I was watching before the guy with the plastic bag came over. 

"Want one?" He asked and I knew those were drugs, I might be naive but not ignorant. I shook my head and he shrugged, but didn't leave just like that. He took out a pill and put it in my hand. 

"Here, you look like you need to relax." 

They walked away and I looked down at the pill, it was light blue and had a small drawing of a wave in it. 

I just need to say, to be just a drug you're supposed to put in your mouth and swallow -I guess?- they put a lot of effort into it. 

I looked around and since no one was paying attention to me, I brought it to my nose and smelled it. It didn’t have a particular smell. Maybe the smells around me didn’t help, but it was not as strong as I thought it would be. 

I looked around again, my heart was pounding like crazy, and don't think I'm pathetic please, but I've never had a drug so close to me. I do not know what got into me, probably curiosity, but to be honest, I have no idea. I stuck out my tongue, I just wanted to know how it tasted, it seemed harmless and maybe the guy was right, I needed to relax and probably with that, all the socialization thing would be easier. 

I licked a little, the taste was almost the same as that of acetaminophen, a little less bitter. It had no taste of magic, an ugly creature or whatever they make you think in D.A.R.E. But then again, the lick I had was insignificant. 

So naturally I wanted to know the real taste, because I mean it, it was a pretty pill. This time I didn't look around, I was determined. I broke it in two. Yes, I did. But feel proud, the pill did not reach its destination. A grave voice prevented me from doing so. 

"You should start with weed, it's more natural."

IT WAS THE EGOCENTRIC GUY. 

I froze, because now I was embarrassed. The guy laughed and came over to me, taking the pill between his index finger and his thumb. 

"I don't want to ruin your happiness, but you really shouldn't." 

I swallowed and felt the blush on my cheeks. The guy smiled and handed me the pill, but he stood there, looking me in the eye. Probably waiting for an answer or something, but I didn't know what to say. Because honestly, I did not know what was going through my mind before he appeared. 

I stammered a thank you and he smiled. I know I mentioned before that his smile is beautiful, but it really is and I found myself lost in it all night. I hope not to sound cheesy, my brother says that I take things too deep. 

Back to the party. I put the pill in my pocket. Yes, I know it sounds strange, he probably thought that too, but I had nowhere to put it and just wanted that thing to disappear. 

"What are you doing here anyway?" He asked leaning against the wall next to the door that I was pressing. I really hoped that door would take me to another dimension. Then he heard the intimate sounds coming from inside the room and raised an eyebrow still looking at me. A broad grin appeared on his lips and he laughed. 

"Didn't know you were this kinky, kid."

Oh God! I know Spider-man, it was so embarrassing. I think the shade of red on my face was the impossible type that a human body can get. 

I shook my head desperately and he laughed even more, raising both hands in the air "I was joking," he said more calmly. 

After that we were silent. The music was louder now and I was surprised that our neighbor Mr. Coulson had not called the police. And here is the thing. The noises in the room seemed to increase as the music grew louder and the guy kept looking at me and I felt the red on my cheeks almost burning my skin. He smiled and put a cigarette between his lips, lifting the lighter right in front of his face. The scars became more visible in the dim light and I swallowed because I wanted to touch them, really, it was as if someone else was invading my body. And I can’t blame the pill because I only licked once. He looked at me again, now with the cigarette evoking a little light at the end of it. He smiled and let out a little smoke from the side of his lips that was free from the invasion of the small cylinder.

"What's your name?" 

"Peter." 

"It fits you." 

And what does that mean? I have no idea, so I just nodded. 

"I'm Wade," he stretched out a hand toward me and I shook it with a very trembling hand. It was really embarrassing "Do you want to go somewhere else, Pete? It's a bit noisy here."

He made this joking face, wiggling both eyebrows and smiling only with his lips, the cigarette still burning between them. He looked funny, so I laughed. And I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it was an inner joke, something that you can talk about and joke after and it's been a while since I shared one of those. 

So we headed to the living room where people were drunker than when I left. Even my brother, who came stumbling towards me and gave me a peck on the cheek, saying that he loves me and asking if I wanted a drink, but I could not tell May. I shook my head and Wade - because now we know his name, remember? - was by my side all the time and could not stop laughing. Then Tony turned to him and told him to take good care of me because he had to do something else. And I suppose that was their inner joke because Wade raised both eyebrows and patted me on the shoulder for us to continue. 

The red-haired girl was in the corner talking to this guy. He was tall, with somewhat wavy black hair and green eyes and she seemed to be angry with him. He tried to pull her out of that fury with a kiss, but she pushed him away. 

Wade sighed next to me as he looked at them and I didn’t understand why if they were a couple, she was having that kind of argument with this other guy and Wade was doing nothing about it. But since I'm not an expert, I just kept quiet. 

She saw us and plucked her hand away from the grip that kept her glued to the guy. She glared at him one last time and approached us. Her sad, angry expression turned into a smile as she stood in front of us. Wade asked if she was okay and she just nodded. That reminded me all the times I used to ask Gwen if she was okay and she did exactly the same. 

Then she turned to me, smiling broadly, as if we were long-lost friends who had just met. Her smile was contagious, so I smiled back. 

"Hi," she said simply. 

"Hi," I said back. 

"Peter, this is Nat, and vice versa." 

She kept smiling "It suits you." 

YES, I know, that thing again. I guess I'll have to look at myself in the mirror more often to understand what they mean by that. 

She looked over my shoulder and smiled broadly. Wade turned around to see what it was and immediately shook his head. "No," he pointed out and she gave him the most truthful begging cat eyes I've ever seen. The sight made me smile, so while Wade sighed, I turned around to find a group of people playing "spin the bottle" and I immediately froze. 

"Just one round, pleease." she kept begging, but my smile had disappeared the moment I saw the activity. 

You have to understand, this is a game where people spin a bottle, and the one that the mouth points is who you have to kiss. You probably already know how to play. Everyone knows, that game has existed even before we were born, but I needed to emphasize so you understand why I was so nervous. That's not the kind of game for people like me. I thought that game had already been forgotten by our generation. And I in my panic didn't realize that I said that last thing out loud. 

The couple busted in laugh next to me and the same shade of red from before came back. 

"I thought I was the only one who was thinking that," Wade said smiling at me and trust me, there are many types of red that the human body can achieve. 

Nat took our hands and sat us on different sides of the circle. Because according to her this way it was easier or harder to get each other, depending on what we wanted. I could swear she looked at me when she said that. 

The people around the circle were all kinds of ages and personalities, it was really interesting to see which person would get who, because sometimes it could be this very nice girl who would never talk to this guy who was above the moon and stars, talking of a zebra God. I'm telling you, it was as if he looked at you, but his look was more than lost. And when they came out of the room, it was all laughter and panting to catch a breath. 

It was fun to watch their reactions, some made disgusted expressions and came out smiling widely. Others looked at each other with a fierce gaze and came out almost without clothes. Others were even shy and exited the same way, but a simple bite to their lips showed what had just happened. Yes, it was very interesting. 

I like to read people. Being invisible plays its parts. It's like nobody knows you're reading them. I don't do it in a creepy way, really. I'll explain. Most people are the same on the outside. They talk about new trends, wear the same make-up or clothes but never pay real attention to the person next to them. The way they sometimes laugh but don't actually do it because there is pain in their eyes, something that those around them will never be able to see if they are not really interested in reading them. There are others, and these are my favorites, those that are too difficult to read because you can see the pain in their eyes, but nothing more. There is a shell around them that you will never understand until you really experience what they feel... That was Gwen. That's Wade. The eyes are the window of the soul, remember?

Anyway, back to the party. It was my turn, I was nervous, so much so that I almost threw the bottle across the room the first time. They laughed and I was grateful that most of them were drunk. 

On the second attempt, the bottle began to spin and it was at that moment that I realized how confused my whole being was, because I thought I would want the bottle to stop at a random girl. But really, I really wanted that edge to look at a particular person, and that was wrong, really wrong, because. Well, because he had a girlfriend, and because I shouldn't think about him that way. 

Don't misunderstand me, I do not think that liking someone of the same sex is wrong. Aunt May and Tony have talked to me about it and I see nothing wrong with it. But I just felt this way about girls before and I thought it was supposed to be something that you feel forever, that one is born someway and stays that way. But you see, a simple spinning bottle proved me wrong. 

And the bottle kept spinning and I swear I looked up and he was looking at me too and I immediately looked down. And my cheeks burned and... The bottle stopped in front of the redhead -Nat- and she shrugged smiling at me, almost as if she wanted to say sorry. I turned to Wade and he had this face, as if he was disappointed. And I felt horrible because I was about to go into a closet to kiss _his_ girlfriend. 

She stood up and offered me a hand to help me to my feet. Then she led me to the closet and I heard some. 

"You go boy." 

"Yeah kid, pop that cherry." 

"Lucky bastard." 

And things like that before she closed the door, leaving almost everything silent, and I looked at her and she smiled at me, tilting her head to the side to try to read my thoughts. 

"Do you want me to kiss you, Peter?" She asked softly, still looking at me as she smiled. 

"Well, we have to." 

She chuckled at that "No, we don't." 

My heart was racing like crazy, I was not sure if I wanted to, because a few minutes ago I wanted the bottle to point to someone else. But I didn’t want her to feel rejected, because she was nice and if she wanted a kiss, then I should give it to her. So I was having this argument in my head and she realized it and laughed. 

"Peter, we don't have to kiss." 

"But you wanted a kiss, that's why we came to play. So I should give it to you." 

She laughed, shaking her head and sat on the floor, motioning for me to do the same, so I did. We were silent and I felt the need to speak, so I opened my mouth, but she hugged me. And I froze. And she continued to hug me. So in return and after the shock was gone, I hugged her back. 

"You are so special, Peter" she said, still hugging me "Don't you ever let anyone change you, you hear me?" 

And so I realized that she was crying, and I didn't know what to do, so I hugged her tightly and she did the same. 

I wish I could have done something else, but after a moment, she let me go and wiped her eyes. I guess I did well, because she smiled at me. Then she stood up and held out her hand to help me to my feet. She stood on her tiptoe, gave me a light kiss on the lips and smiled again. 

"Thank you!" She said simply. 

I smiled and before she opened the door I said, "I hope Wade doesn't get angry" because I never stop to think what I say. She turned to me and started to laugh, she even had to stop to breathe. 

“Wade, my brother?” 

Yes, her brother. I felt so silly at the time. I cannot count how many times my face turned red that night. She shook her head, interlaced her fingers with mine and opened the door.

The others were waiting right there, whistling as we went out. 

"What were you doing in there?" 

"It was almost ten minutes"

"Good kid, good"

Wade got up laughing and when he saw her eyes, his expressions changed to a worried look, asking if she was okay. She nodded. "I'm fine," she said again. Just like Gwen. Then she smiled at me and Wade turned his gaze to me, then back to her. She shrugged and he did the same. They are probably the kind of brothers who can read each other's minds.

"Wanna go for an ice cream, Petey?" He asked looking back at me. Nat leaned over my shoulder with the same cat begging eyes than before, so I laughed and nodded. 

When we were leaving, my brother was having an argument with the girl that Thor brought. Next to him was another girl, covered by a blanket. I was about to intervene when Wade stopped me. He shook his head "There's nothing you can do there" he said and we kept walking. The last thing I heard from behind was "I hope you die, Tony." and I felt horrible. 

I will summarize the rest because this letter is already too long and my hand hurts. We went to Donatello's _"the best gelato in the world"_. That's what the poster says. Through the ride there was silence, but it was not uncomfortable, I guess we were all in our own minds, and no one wanted to interrupt the other. Once in the ice cream shop, Nat broke the silence. 

"You know, Peter here thought we were a couple." Wade snorted and laced his arm with hers. 

"Is that so? Such a pretty couple we would be." 

"Imagine the babies."

"Cersei and Jaime would be nothing against us."

And then they laughed. Wade turned to me and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me toward them and rubbing my hair with his hand. I laughed with them and I felt happy, truly happy. 

So I'll finish this here. 

Today was very crazy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."_   
>    
>  **Stephen Chbosky**


	4. Chapter 4

**November 14, 2016**

Dear Spiderman, 

\- My aunt is angry with my brother, apparently the police did come because my neighbor called. His friend Steve let him know before they came in, so most people fled and drugs disappeared. So the police couldn't arrest him because they had no evidence that minors were drinking and other things. 

Aunt May was still angry because the house was a disaster when she returned and because they could have arrested him given how unconscious he had been. My brother was silent all the time while she spoke, seemed to be lost. And no, he was not drunk anymore. 

She ordered him to clean the house while she and I went out to eat some hamburgers, he just nodded. 

My aunt didn't ask for anything else and we left. I tried to convince her while we were at the restaurant, that she didn't have to be angry with Tony because he just made a mistake and she had to remember how good he is. She agreed with me but made sure I understood that Tony needed the hard treatment right now. I just don't like it when the ones I love get angry with each other. 

We talked about the night before and I didn’t know if I could talk to her about Wade and Nat, but she, as always, seemed to read my thoughts and asked about it, so I told her everything. Yes, even about the pill. 

She said she was proud because I did not take it, but she let me know that she was disappointed that I actually thought about even doing so. 

"And about Wade," she said, eating a french fry "From what you've said, I think he's a good boy, but be careful, Pete," she left the french fry on the plate and looked at me gently "You fall in love too easily, honey, he may be good, but I don't want you to get hurt because you let your heart take the wheel in the first round." 

And she was right, but I think I already feel something strong for him and now I must stop having all those feelings for something that is almost impossible because he is nineteen and next year he will go to college. Yes, he told me his age at the ice cream shop. 

Natasha is seventeen and he is nineteen, he didn't say why he was still in high school at that age, but he mentioned that it had something to do with skipping two years because of a hospital and after that he simply didn't want to go back, but that Nat convinced him to. I think that was when he got the scars. Their mom is dead and they don't like to talk about their father, but he's still alive. They said that they are going to college with the money that their mother left for them, and after that they changed the subject to talk about me. 

I don't like to inquire that much, but they probably have trouble at home. What I don't want is that they end up like Gwen, with her I should have find out more, but I only did until it was too late. 

Back to Aunt May. So we ate and she talked about her own night. I think I have not mentioned this before, but my aunt has a boyfriend, his name is Luke and he is a trainer in the gym she goes to. He is super strong and very kind, I like him. 

Tony was angry at first when she mentioned him, shouting at her because she found someone else and, as he said "it's only been two fucking years since Uncle Ben's death." She was sad at first by these words, and didn't want to bring Luke home or introduce him, but really, I just wanted her to be happy and no matter how much Tony insisted she was doing wrong, I'm sure Uncle Ben would also like to see her happy. 

At some point Tony let go of the matter and she introduced us to Luke. He is very tall and muscular, and it's funny, because he may seem very thug, but every time he's with my aunt, he seems to turn into a puppy. 

Anyway, she said that they saw some movies and then she cannot remember very well the rest of the night. 

Today was mostly a good day. 

 

**November 15, 2016**

Dear Spider-man, 

\- Today we went to visit my uncle and Gwen to the cemetery. I always get sad when we do, it reminds me that they are no longer with us, but at the same time it makes me happy to give them the time they deserve. I don't know where we go when we die, we probably go to anywhere specifically, but I hope they can see that there are still people who remember them and will always love them. Again, I try not to go too deeply into it, but it seems impossible when you care so much. 

My brother didn't cry the day our uncle died. At the funeral he wore sunglasses and was completely silent the whole time, just talking to ask if my aunt and I needed anything. 

And I remember how everyone used to approach him to give condolences and emphasize that he now had to be the man of the house, take care of the family and wear the pants. I felt horrible every time they did that, because he was only eighteen, and people seemed to forget that. His answer was a simple smile and a nod, but if people had been paying real attention, they might have noticed that his smile was only on the outside. 

He used to cry every night, it was an almost muted sound, but I could hear it. One night he came to my room, asking how I was. I answered with the truth, I said I didn't know how I felt. He hesitated for a moment about what he wanted to do next, but I guess he saw the look of care in my eyes, so he asked me if I wanted company. I knew he was the one who needed it, but I was not going to reproach him, so I nodded and he lay down beside me, holding me tight. And _he broke_. He began to cry, shedding all the tears he had not shed at my Uncle Ben's funeral or the days after. I cried with him because I don't like to see him like that, but I knew it was important that he did in order to heal and move on. So we cried until we fell asleep. 

Today I swear I saw the same pain in his eyes, as if he wanted to say it aloud but he doesn't know how to do it. As if he were afraid to admit that he is vulnerable like the rest, because people made him think he had to be the man of the house, and they are not allowed to cry. I wonder what worries him so much that he can't talk about it. 

I am writing this at night because I cried a little in the afternoon after we came back from the cemetery. I didn't feel well, so I lay down and cried, then fell asleep and now I'm writing this. 

I'm about to finish this letter, but just so you know, Wade sent me a text today. I saw it when I woke up and immediately made me smile, it was a selfie of him and Nat with puppy noses and ears, then he asked how my weekend was and I told him it was a roller coaster, he just said "Same," but then he asked if I was okay. I answered with the truth, "I don't know, but the picture made me smile." 

"I'm glad we can make you smile," he replied and then continued to send jokes and funny faces and I have to admit that I had a smile on my face the whole time. Then he said that tomorrow we should eat together at lunch and now I'm freaking out because I haven't eaten at school with anyone since Gwen and Harry left. But don't worry, it's a good freaking out. 

Anyway, good night now. 

Today was partly sad, partly amazing. 

 

**November 16, 2016**

Dear Spiderman, 

Today I had classes with Mr. Matt, he talked about a book called _The Circus of the Night_ and I was surprised, because I have never read it. He told us that it was out of the books that the school asked for in the regulation, but that for his criterion.

"It is a book completely underestimated." 

It is a fantasy book that tells the story about a circus that only opens at night - well, of course, the name says it - its main characters are called Celia and Marco but everything in general is so interesting that you don't want to release it until you are finished. And so, of course, I wanted to read it. 

Mr. Matt felt proud of himself when at the end of the class I approached him to tell him that I did not know about the book, because he said that at last he had managed to find something unknown to me. So he gladly gave me his, the one that didn't come in braille, saying that he knew that I would take care of it the same way he does. 

I had not even left the classroom when I started reading, forgetting the world around me and getting into one full of fantasy and magic, imagining all the worlds that were mentioned there. 

I was so happy about this that I almost forgot that I had planned to have lunch with Wade and Nat. I ran to the cafeteria, but they were not there. I imagined that they had already eaten and they couldn't wait. I didn't get angry, really, if they were hungry it was natural that they would want to eat, it was my fault for having lasted so long. 

I took one of the food trays and lined up, smiling at the food lady, who never smiles back at me, but I keep doing it anyway, because I would like at least someone to smile at me when I do a hard job to feed others. Not that her food is a delicacy, but she works hard for it and that's what matters. 

Again I was so deep thinking about this that I didn't notice the laughter at my side. When I reached over to take a fork, someone leaned over to get right in the middle. When I focused my gaze on the person, I found Nat smiling broadly. 

"Pete, we were waiting for you," she said happily. I smiled immediately and she laughed, "You didn't think we were going to let you get away with it, would you?" 

She put her arm around my shoulder and took a fork and spoon for herself and others for me, then led me through the cafeteria until we went out to the green area where Wade was with other people sitting on a huge Looney Tunes blanket scattered on the floor. When he saw us, a smile was drawn on his lips and I couldn't help but smile back. 

"I thought you abandoned us, Petey," he said, standing up to help us with our food trays. 

Once we were seated, I was introduced to each of their friends. Bruce, a boy with black hair and a friendly smile, I like him because he knows a lot about science and told me it was good to find someone to talk to about it. A girl named Gamora who paints her lips green, and her boyfriend whose name is also Peter and he's very funny, both are space lovers and speak of ships and gems of which I didn't understand much. And then there was the guy who had been arguing with Nat at the party, his name is Loki and he told me that he's Thor's brother - Tony's friend - from his dad's side. 

He didn't seem to like me very much, but didn't say anything about it. Nat and he were acting as if nothing had happened, which was strange, because at the party the fight had seemed quite serious. At the end they began to listen to music as they talked about their own things. 

Wade approached me and extended something, when I looked down I noticed a pack of Skitles, "I thought you'd like to eat something sweet after lunch." 

I smiled and I'm sure a blush rose to my cheeks, but Wade didn't say anything about it. Let me explain something about the Skitles, I know you probably know this, but I'll tell you anyway. They have many colors and flavors, even different shapes although many people say they don't, but if you pay real attention, you will notice. 

My favorites are the red ones and I don't like the greens, so I always separate them by colors, leaving the greens to my brother and my aunt and the reds are for me, the others are an intermediate and I eat them once I'm finished with the red ones, but usually by then I will be very full and I won't want them. 

I explain this to you, because I started doing exactly that, because I always do it with these candies, and I was so happy with it, that when I looked up again, Wade and the others were staring at me. Wade had his head resting on his hand as he watched what I was doing very curiously. When he noticed that I was looking at him, he smiled at me and straightened his back. 

"Which are your favorites?" He asked as if it were all very normal. 

I smiled at him and suddenly I noticed that we were alone in the whole yard, probably the classes had started again and I hadn't noticed. These things happen to me, I get lost in something and when I return, it's been a while. Miss Wanda says there's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it happens almost without realizing that I'm doing it. 

Nat stood up and the others did the same "We'll see you later, Pete," she said walking away with the others, who just smiled at me, Gamora even passed her hand over my hair. Wade stayed.

I looked back at him and then looked down at the Skitles, they were in groups of every color. I put the greens a bit aside from the rest and then I looked back at Wade. 

"The red ones," I simply replied. 

He grinned widely and chuckled "Mine too," then he looked at the group of colored balls and laughed again, "I guess you don't like the green ones." 

I shook my head and he smiled, removing the greens even more from the group of candies, "Then we'd better move away those unpleasant misfortunes from the others." 

I laughed at that, people usually see me strangely when I do this kind of things, they walk away and just like Flash, they stop talking to me, the only ones besides my family that had me patience, were Gwen and Harry. But looking at the smile on Wade's face and the way he pushed the greens away with no trace of mockery, he let me see that I could feel normal with him too. 

"Want one?" I asked, taking a red one and stretching my hand towards him. He shook his head and took one of the purples. 

"The reds are yours, my second favorite are the purple ones, so with these I'll be happy." 

I chuckled and put the red one in my mouth. So we spent the rest of the afternoon like that and although it was wrong to skip a class, I think for the first time in my life, I didn't care. 

So my day was great, I will soon finish the book and I must recommend it, because it's really very good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"We didn't talk about anything heavy or light. We were just there together. And that was enough."_   
>    
>  **Stephen Chbosky**


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this fic takes me too long to update and I'm sorry, but it's one of those stories that takes its time to write.

**November 21, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

\- My brother has been worse, he hardly eats or sleeps, he works until late at night - a thing he used to do before, but now it's worse - and he looks like a zombie. I decided to tell Aunt May and she told me that she had already noticed, but couldn't understand why, because a scolding had never affected him that way. 

She promised me she would talk to him, I hope everything is fine, I hate to see him like this. 

About my life, everything has been very good, even better than good and I fear that it will end, but Miss Wanda told me that I should learn to live the moment and be happy, so I am doing just that. 

Nat and Wade are great and their friends too, whenever they see me they greet me or call me to sit with them at recess. 

Yesterday Wade came to pick me up from the class, before going out for lunch. Mr. Matt noticed, because he heard his voice at the door when everyone was leaving, so I decided to talk to him about something, because although I like to talk to May or my brother, at this moment the situation is not very well and I feel that neither of them would pay attention to me. I don't blame them in any way, I understand that sometimes each one has it's own knot in their heads. 

Well, first I must begin by explaining what happened at one of the breaks so you can understand why I wanted to talk to Mr. Matt about it. 

Since the party, I keep thinking about Wade and I can't avoid seeing his photos and smile. That's not bad, one often does this with pictures of someone to whom one appreciates, it's normal, but it happens that every time we talk through texts, I feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest while I wait for an answer, or I blush with the simplest things. And not only that, this is what makes me a little more ashamed and I'm sure it's not right, because he deserves more respect than that. But sometimes when I think of him, other thoughts come to my head. 

You must know what masturbation is, I won't specifically explain what it is, because it would be weird. But it's amazing, everyone should do it - I know, it seems like I'm exaggerating, but it's like that from the day I discovered it, and Tony told me it was normal, so I do it almost daily. Everyone should do it though, like those commercials where they say you need to eat a Snicker, well, this should be the same. 

But hey, enough of that, I'm probably embarrassing you. What I mean is that masturbation is not bad, but the fact that I shouldn't think about him when that happens, right? Well, it happens to me, and when that happens, I feel like I have to stop and do my best to think about other things, but lately it has become more difficult and here's the thing, when I think about him... _wow_ , it's... different, and I don't know if it's correct. 

Going back to yesterday, I was again with the group of friends, when Wade bit his lip and I inadvertently blushed. Bruce noticed it and said without more. 

"Wow, Pete, would you like it to be your teeth?" 

I immediately removed my gaze and directed it to my hands and chuckled, but I was so red that I thought it would set me on fire. Everyone laughed and Bruce patted me on the shoulder. 

"I was joking," he said, winking at me. I smiled at him and then I looked at Wade, who laughed and shook his head, but continued to smile at me. 

After that, Nat changed the subject and continued talking about a new song - which I wrote down and can't find the paper where I did - Wade approached me and cleared his throat, I knew what was coming, but I was really trying to avoid it. "Petey, I think we should talk," he said softly. 

I smiled and simply nodded. We excused ourselves from the others and they began to say that we were probably going to kiss and that's why we didn't want to be seen, and I tell you, that did not help the blush in my face at all. 

As we walked along the yard, Wade smiled at me and I did the same, so I decided to tell him everything, and that's how I started to talk about how I felt, and the way I sometimes thought about him, but only cause I had to clarify that it was not only whereas I see him in that way, but because I really appreciate him as a friend and a person. 

He listened to all this without saying anything, just looking at me from time to time and I think he blushed in others, which made me feel more ashamed and to begin to talk nonsense and ask forgiveness for it. He just laughed and I stayed quiet. 

"I'm not mad, Petey," he said, smiling and then stopped me under a tree to look me straight in the eye. I know, a true cliché. 

"But you must understand that I am too old for you, do you understand that?" 

I nodded and he did the same. 

"You deserve better, trust me." 

I shook my head "No, there's nothing better than you." 

He chuckled and ran the hair off my forehead to put it behind my ears. "You're very special, Pete, but I don't want you to have any hopes for someone like me or to think of me as perfect." 

"But you are." 

He shook his head, laughing again. "You're making it hard," he said and smiled at me. 

I lowered my head and mumbled an "I'm sorry." 

He hugged me and I froze, it was the least I expected. You must understand that although my aunt often gives me many hugs, I'm not used for others to do so. Wade smelled like cologne and tacos and it was one of the strangest and most interesting scents I had ever smelled in my life. And his arms were strong and I couldn't help noticing how I felt in them, so I opened my eyes wide and let go. 

"I think I'm already thinking of you that way." 

He laughed again, resting his hands on my shoulders and couldn't stop laughing, until he took a long breath and smiled at me again. "I don't judge you at all, you're great, Baby boy, but trust me when I tell you not to think of me romantically, okay?" I nodded and he brushed his finger on my cheek. "And for the rest," he said shrugging and stretching his back. "It's normal, it even happens to me and I would be lying if I say that most of the time you not are in my imagination, but try for it not to affect you too much, okay?" 

And so it was that today I decided to stay after the literature classes to talk to Mr. Matt and to return the book, but he told me to keep it, because he couldn't read it anyway and he has his own copy in braille, so now I have a new book, which I'll probably read again. 

Anyhow, I sat down to talk to him and told him about what happened at the party, I even told him about my brother and how he was behaving lately. Then I talked about my thoughts at the spin the bottle game. I told him that I felt really attached to Wade, but also about what he told me the day before and how now I felt really confused. 

Mr. Matt listened to all this, making sounds of appreciation and paying attention to every detail. When I finished talking he smiled and sighed. 

"I think you think too much, Peter." I nodded and then I remembered that he is blind, so I let him know my statement out loud. 

"My brother says that I take things too deep." 

Mr. Matt chuckled and nodded. "That's not always bad," he explained. "But when that happens, you stop seeing the fun side of life and you get really frustrated studying it all." 

And I realized that he was right, because that always happens to me, but I really don't know how to stop or change that, because I can't control it, it just happens. He noticed that I was thinking again, because I didn't answer, so he laughed and shook his head "Try to live the moment, don't let your brain take all the fun." 

Then he changed his tone and sat upright, a little more serious. "Let's talk about the boy then," he said and began to explain that many times people don't realize how special they are, they think they have nothing good to offer and when these people find someone very special, they simply discard it. And it was then that he said something to me that I will never forget. 

"Peter, we accept the love we think we deserve." 

And I couldn't help but think about Gwen, the way she always went around with guys who didn't treat her like she deserved, and the way she never agreed to a compliment. I even thought about Nat and her boyfriend, the way they look happy, but they probably aren't. And Wade... who doesn’t accept that he's incredible, almost perfect. 

Mr. Matt then asked me about my life, my home and my family, how we get along. I told him about them, how great they are and how much I love them, he seemed happy with that answer, so he asked about my friends or other things and I told him about Gwen. 

He frowned as I told him what had happened, I think it's time that I tell you too. 

It all happened one sunny June afternoon after school, that day Gwen was stranger, she had been like this for days, but she never mentioned her true purposes. She talked about death, constantly asking me what I thought about it, I was uncomfortable and didn't respond much, because it is not a subject I like to talk about, even less after the death of my Uncle Ben. 

Harry told her to stop behaving so strangely, so she just stopped talking that day and that's when it all happened. 

Mr. Matt heard all this without saying much, his frown stayed there all the time and he kept moving in his seat somewhat uncomfortable as he cleared his throat. I stopped at some point, not realizing I was crying. He stood up and hugged me, letting me know that it was not my fault "There's nothing you could have done, Peter." 

Everyone says that, but no one really understands. I didn't want to talk about it any more, and Mr. Matt agreed, so he simply told me to try not to think so much, to live the now and try to be happy, that life has ups and downs and bad things will continue to happen, but that shouldn't stop me from being happy. About Gwen he simply told me that he was very sorry and insisted again that it was not my fault. 

I'll finish the letter here. 

 

**November 22, 2016**

Dear Spider-man, 

\- I'm sorry about what happened yesterday, I didn't mean to scare you and to get in that way. It just happens. 

Today Wade and Nat invited me to the movies, they were going to see a Danish film or something like that. Wade told me he doesn't understand anything, but Nat is obsessed with them, so he accompanies her because she always goes with him to play paintball when she doesn't really like it and so on. 

So we ended up in an open field cinema, where you can watch the movies from your car. Gamora, the other Peter, who insists on being called Starlord and Loki also came, so they ended up sitting back in a big blanket over the grass. Well, the two couples were in the blanket, Wade and I ended up sitting on the top of the car, Bruce was supposed to join us, but he remembered that he hadn't finished a homework. 

I was very nervous, I think it's the kind of nervousness that Tony talked about, because I felt butterflies in my stomach and every time Wade looked at me, my cheeks burned as if we were sitting on the sun and not on the top of a car. 

I know that Wade told me not to think about him romantically, but it's very difficult when it's all I can think of, especially when the other couples were kissing and only Wade and I were watching the movie. He didn't stop commenting about what happened in it, saying that nothing made sense and that usually the young people who saw these things is because they want to play as intellectuals. 

"Unless they really understand them," he said, taking a fist of popcorn to his mouth. "In that case I admire them, because I have seen many and all are the same for me." 

I just laughed and to be honest, I didn't understand anything either. I'm sure that the only reason Nat likes these cinemas is because the atmosphere is more interesting. Judging by the way she was not even looking at the movie. 

"What's your favorite movie, Baby boy?" 

I turned to Wade, who had laid on the lid of the car. He was wearing a jacket, the hoodie over his head, and a cigarette between his lips. I looked back at the movie, because if I saw him again then I would fall in love even more. 

"It depends on what I see." 

He made a confused sound and lifted his torso with the help of his elbows, I watched him out of the corner of my eye "How does that work?" 

"Like books," I replied "I always say that one is my favorite, until I see or read another and then I say that that one is my new favorite and so on." 

Wade laughed beside me and I looked at him to see if he was making fun of me, but his smile was directed at me. "You're very interesting Petey, have someone ever told you that?" 

I blushed and tried to hide part of my face in my arms, that were resting on my knees. "Thank you." 

Wade sat cross-legged and took the cigarette from his mouth, expelling the smoke and looking at his finger from the other hand, which was making drawings on the top of the car. "Has anyone ever hurt you, Pete?" 

"I think so," I answered honestly. 

He lifted his gaze from the car and smiled. "If I ever hurt you," he said putting back the cigarette in his mouth "You're allowed to kick me." 

I shook my head, "I don't want to kick you." 

He laughed and turned his gaze to the screen "That's what you say now, but if I hurt you, you might change your mind." 

And so I decided to think about that. Has anyone ever really hurt me? I mean yeah, life wouldn't be what it is if there were no pain, have you ever thought about it? If it were not for that feeling, we wouldn't get to experience real happiness ever in life, because once the pain is gone, that is what comes. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. 

I don't want Wade to hurt me, so I'd rather not think about it, but if it happens, would I really want to cause him the same pain? 

Today was a good day. 

 

**November 24, 2016**

Dear Spider-man, 

\- Last night, my aunt and I were in her room watching a movie. It was Planet of the Apes, I like that movie very much, because it have always seemed to me that apes are very smart and interesting animals, I even think that if they would someday come to dominate the world - Yeah, I know it's fiction, but I'm just saying - I wouldn't be so upset. But that's not the point. 

My brother came to the room and for a moment he only looked at us, my aunt was about to ask if something happened to him, when he sighed and lay on the bed in the middle of us. 

"I have something to tell you," he said simply. 

I glanced at my aunt and she looked at me. I nodded and took the remote control to turn down the volume of the movie, and then there was a long silence. My aunt and I thought Tony was not going to say anything, but then he began to explain. 

Raquel or Amanda is pregnant. It's Tony's of course. The girl's name is actually Emma, is not even so difficult, but my brother likes to complicate himself, and - naturally - he already learned it. 

He said she told him during the party, she shouted it in front of everyone. I think that happened after I left, so I apologized for not being there and he told me not to be silly. "There's nothing you could have done, Pete." Everyone says that. 

Anyway, apparently in his state of panic and alcohol, he told Emma that he would pay for the abortion, and she struck him hard in the stomach. He even raised his shirt to show the red mark. Then Emma got angry and left without saying more, and since then Tony knows nothing about her and says that he feels completely asphyxiated. 

"I'm not ready to be a dad yet." 

Aunt May had him cuddling through all this, listening calmly and taking deep breaths, until he stayed quiet and the whole room was filled with silence. She started to pass her delicate hand over Tony's hair, who was on the verge of tears but held back. I just watched, because I didn't know what to say. 

It is interesting and even sad, as everywhere you are told that a baby is a blessing, a gift of life and that you should be happy and have a smile on your face whenever you receive this news. But there are some people who don't think that way, and if they say it out loud, they are judge, because you become a monster. I think that's why Tony had not wanted to say anything all these days, he was afraid to admit that this baby wasn't something he wanted, because he would surely get another blow in the stomach. 

"Tony, you have a box full of condoms," Aunt May finally said. "What happened?" 

"She told me she was taking the pill," he explained, almost exasperated. "But that's not the point anyway, what does it matter now?" 

Aunt May nodded, sighing again "Sorry, you're right, I just don't know what to say." 

Then we were simply silent, Tony pulled me to him to join me in the embrace and the three of us remained in that position, until I finally spoke. "You shouldn't have been so direct with her." 

My aunt and my brother looked at each other, then they looked at me and started to laugh, I joined and I believe that in the end I managed to make them relax a little. 

After we calmed down, Aunt May told him to wait patiently, and when Emma decided to answer, he needed to speak things in a better way, to express himself more calmly and to think better his words. 

"Whatever happens, and whatever decision you two make, we are here for you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"We accept the love we think we deserve."_
> 
>  
> 
> **Stephen Chbosky**


	6. Chapter 6

**November 22, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

I've been finishing some work on biology, it's been very interesting, so much so that I stopped writing and I'm sorry. Let me tell you what I learned first and then I will tell you details of my life.

Did you know that there's a spider that hides among ants? Its name is _Myrmarachne formicaria_ or jumping spider, and it's an arachnid (not an insect) that hunts mainly insects to feed itself.

Physically it looks like an ant, because its body is more elongated than normal for a spider, its legs are not excessively long and has a large chelicerae (fangs) that resemble the powerful jaws of an ant.

Living inside the anthill gives it a security that it could never get out of there. Outside it can easily be attacked by wasps, birds and other spiders that would never dare to enter the anthill.

But the strategy to go unnoticed and camouflaged within the anthill is not be as simple as looking a bit like an ant. Because insects have 6 legs and 2 antennae, while spiders have 8 legs and no antenna.

So, when the spider encounters ants inside the anthill, it raises its front legs and moves them as if they were it's antennas, in search of the pheromones with which they communicate with each other. In addition, it has learned to copy the way of walking of its landlords, in a very restless way, shaking its head a lot and walking with zig-zag movements.

It's probably a boring topic for you, but I told everyone about this, because I thought it was very interesting to think about that spider in someone like me, who lives almost invisible in the middle of people, nobody notices me, nor does they eliminate me, I'm just a jumping spider within ants.

Aunt May told me not to think those things about myself, Tony said that being an ant would probably give me more butt, but that spiders can make webs, "so there's that," he said. Professor Matt told me that being a spider from time to time was not a bad thing, and Wade said that he wanted to be a spider too.

"Being an ant sounds very boring, plus, spiders can eat the ants when they act like asses."

I thought it was funny, so suddenly being a spider stopped being so bad. Although eating ants sounds disgusting.

Back to my life, Tony talked to Emma (previous Raquel or Amanda) and she told him that she didn't want to have an abortion. Tony decided he would not insist on the matter and that maybe being a father wouldn't be a nightmare after all. I believe that he simply accepted because life didn't leave him with many options. I just hope he's happy.

Aunt May told him that she was happy because she would be a grandmother while she was still young and could show off her face without wrinkles. Tony laughed and shrugged it off.

I'm happy if they're happy.

At my school, prom is already being planned. I've never liked it, but I guess this year I'll go because Wade and Nat plan to go, they say dances are their favorite social events, especially when the DJ puts on music that they call _interesting_ , because only then can they show off their true movements.

"Think of them as a dance for seduction, Pete," said Nat.

"You move your wings and loose some feathers" finished Wade.

I just laughed and Wade ruffled my hair, and I felt like my heart wanted to get out of my chest, but I didn't say anything because I'm trying to hide it, remember?

My brother Tony says that Wade and Nat have a reputation, when I asked what he meant by that he told me that Nat had been with almost all the soccer team when she was in her junior years, and that people talk and rumors spread. I really don't care, I feel bad that Nat only has a bad reputation for something like that, but no one takes the time to know the person she really is.

Then Tony told me about Wade, a problematic guy who has always been very rebellious and whose father has always been disappointed of him. I think his father is a fool, because Wade is the most special person I've ever met, and having him as a son must be an honor.

 

**November 23, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

Natasha and Loki broke up _again_ , so during lunch Gamora tried to tell her how stupid Loki was for telling her the things he said.

Wade sighed while looking at them and that's how he started talking about relationships. He told me he once was with a guy whose name is Nathan. He plays in the football team. Since Wade is always joking, it was difficult to know which parts to take seriously, but he told me that their relationship was nothing more than physical, and that Wade appreciated Nate, but that the thing they had has always been complicated.

He says one day rumors began to spread, and things turned out so bad that their relationship became a little sick, so much so that Nathan began to treat Wade badly in front of the whole school.

That explains why Wade behaves as he does, he probably prefers to lock himself under a rock so he doesn't get hurt again, which is a shame, because Wade doesn't deserve more than the best there is. I wish I could give it to him. He says that I'm cheesy and funny. I guess that's one way to describe me.

Tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving, and Nat and Wade will come to dinner at my house because their father will be traveling and they say they should be grateful for that. Aunt May asked me for help with dinner, so I'll probably be writing you in a few days.

Today was a good day.

 

**November 24, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

Tonight is the dinner, I've changed my clothes three times and smelled all my brother's perfumes, until finally I found a not very strong but not very sweet either one.

I tried to comb my hair back and my aunt added hair spray, although some strands of hair are returning to their initial place and only a few minutes are left for the set time. 

I will go down now to help with the preparations, later I'll tell you how everything went.

Wish me luck.

 

**November 28, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

Thanksgiving went great, Wade and Nat brought flowers for my aunt, who was laughing all night because of Wade's jokes. I think she fell more in love with him than me. Tony brought Emma with him, who seemed more cheerful and friendly than the day of the party. She is two months pregnant and says she feels great. Tony says he wants to buy a house because a baby needs more space.

My aunt May joked that she would finally have a room to put on her exercise machines, and we all laughed along with her, although I'm sure deep inside she felt nostalgic to see her older nephew leave so soon.

Dinner was delicious, we ate turkey, salad and mashed potatoes, along with some vegetables that I prepared. At the time of the dessert we were all full by the food, but we still ate a slice, because Emma prepared it.

"Dessert goes to the heart, not the stomach," Wade said when asked if he wanted a piece, and we all laughed. Honestly, I had a smile on my face the whole night, especially when I noticed that the two of them were having such a good time.

Wade sat next to me during dinner, and leaned on my shoulder when he said he was full. Aunt May winked at me and I just blushed, because I could smell that particular scent of his perfume again. Sweet but not too much, just like him.

I read somewhere that our noses adapt so that our bodies react differently to the smell of those we love. I don't know if it's true, but Wade always smells good. Gwen used to smell very nice too.

Nat says their father will be traveling for a month or so, maybe he'll be back for Christmas, maybe not, so they want to make a Christmas dinner with friends, including me, to make a gift exchange. They will celebrate it on December 26, and I can't explain how excited I am.

Today was a good day.

 

**December 1, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

Sometimes I feel like the world smiles at my life, and then decides to just turn its back on me.

I'm Wade's Secret Santa, which is very good and gave me a lot of happiness. The bad thing is that today I saw him talking with Nathan Summers, and although it sounds very selfish, I couldn't help but feel angry to see how they looked at each other. The way Wade seemed happy and sad at the same time, and how I wish he could be happy and nothing more.

I try not to think too much about that, of course, Wade has the right to be with whoever he wants and I'm nobody to tell him not to do it. Although I really wish he wouldn't.

I try to put my thoughts on what I will give Wade for Christmas, it has to be special and unique because it's for someone with those characteristics, because I don't want to give him something common and boring that doesn't highlight how important he is to me. Aunt May told me to think about what reminded me of him, something that would made both me and him happy.

I still have no idea what I could give him, but I know that eventually an idea will come.

On school, Matt told me to read _"A Christmas Carol"_ by Charles Dickens, because it is in line with the season and it might help me to get an idea.

Speaking of teacher Matt, he has a husband named Frank, who he says just like Wade has always been like a rock, but at the end of the day when Frank gets home his shell disappears and he becomes a light crystal that needs care and attention like everyone else.

"Maybe Wade needs someone like that, he just hasn't realize it. You just have to give him a while," Matt said, patting me on the shoulder. "Even you need time for yourself, think about what you feel and what exactly is that you want."

"I know what I want," I said "But I can't have it."

He smiled and shrugged. "Even when we're sure of what we want, forbearance is still required."

Today was a normal day.

 

**December 2, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

I think Wade and Nathan are dating again, or at least it seems like it, because today I saw them kissing. Nat says they are never really together. "Wade doesn't know how to love or receive love, Peter, and I'm really sorry."

Then she told me that I looked very cute with the sweater I was wearing, although I had already wore it last week, but that doesn't matter, I guess. "My brother is an idiot," Nat said in the end, taking me by the arm while walking to the other side of the school. "He thinks he's doing you a favor, I guess." 

I'd like to know how Wade thinks he's doing me a favor, because I don't feel like he's helping me at all.

My brother brought baby clothes and wants my aunt and I to see them. Maybe it's not a good time to tell them that I don't know how I feel.

 

**December 3, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

The thing about friends is that they like to see you happy, and often believe that that requires having someone else at your side. _I have never been on a date_. When Nat heard this, she said that her first New Year's goal would be to find someone for me, so she told me that we would go on a double date, with her and Loki. Because they are back together. _Again._

Wade said he wanted to go, but Nat stopped him, saying that I needed to concentrate, and that with Wade there, I clearly wouldn't. He blushed and hit her gently on the shoulder, I think it was cute.

After all this, Nat said we were having a date tomorrow and that she would bring someone for me. "This is gonna be something that we'll do every two days of the week until you decide who you like" she said.

Loki didn't seem very intrigued with the whole double date thing, but shrugged when Nat glared at him, so I suppose he will go. Bruce told me that Nat had already done that with him, and that she succeeded until his date met his dog Hulk, who Bruce says is like a monster.

"Though if I'm honest," Bruce said, "I think Nat did it more for self-satisfaction, you know, so she wouldn't feel so bad about me because I actually liked her."

That surprised me, because Bruce never showed it, or I didn't really pay enough attention, because after that, I could observe the uncomfortable expressions on Bruce's face every time Nat did something with Loki, even more when they fought. That kind of look that someone has when they feel as if something was constantly pricking them.

I know that look, I think I've done it a lot lately.

In any case, tomorrow I have a date and I don't really feel butterflies in my stomach. I think today was a normal day.

 

**December 4, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

Tony helped me choose clothes for the date, all this while talking about the new house and the baby. He says that in a few days they will go to the hospital to see what the doctor says.

Aunt May says that Emma managed to dominate Tony because the girl has a character, although May doesn't like her very much because she says that Emma is very bossy and doesn't let Tony have his own opinions. "But what do I know?" May said. "It's probably just my hurted aunt ego talking."

Luke, Aunt May's boyfriend, says that she's probably starting to feel old, and that there is no worse pain than that for a woman of her age. I think Aunt May is still too young to worry about those things, but what do I know, it's probably just my nephew ego that loves her very much talking.

Well, it's time to say goodbye, I guess tomorrow I'll tell you how it went.

 

**December 5, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

Nat and Loki showed up with a girl named Rose and a boy named Wade. The latter according to Nat, joined at the last minute and there was no way to remove him. Wade said he was just going to make sure everything went well because Nat and Loki would be kissing all night and probably wouldn't pay attention to us.

"That's the idea" Nat retorted, rolling her eyes. "While we kiss, they get to know each other."

I actually appreciated that Wade was there, because Rose was a very shy girl, and between two introverts there wasn't much progress. Especially when I started talking about her pink dress and how it matched her name.

She blushed and I think at least there I made a nice _"move,"_ that's what Tony calls it.

We went to eat at Donatello's again, because apparently it not only has _"the best gelato in the world"_ but also the best burgers, according to Loki.

Rose is an interesting girl, her favorite hobby is playing the violin, she says she has been to five national and one international concerts. Her parents are of African and Jewish offspring, so they have many religions and celebrations combined. Her favorite color is not pink, ironically, but yellow. And she has a complete collection of pieces of wood from old violins.

I think Rose is funny and very interesting, but Nat was right, as long as Wade was there my attention was constantly diverted. Although it was good, because Wade was there to make us laugh whenever Rose and I didn't have anything to talk about.

Nat says it doesn't matter if I don't like Rose _that way_ , we'll keep trying.

Today was a good day.

 

**December 11, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

"Too tall."

"Too short."

"Too many smiles."

"Too bitter."

"His shoes don't match his tie."

"Her eyes are too bright."

Wade always has something to say about my dates and Nat keeps rolling her eyes at him, she one day even got mad, telling him that if he knew so much about it, he should do it himself. I don't like them fighting, so I told them everything was fine.

Matt says that I should decide for myself if I like someone or not, and I have that very clear. "I just don't like anyone enough," I told him. "I compare all of them with Wade."

Matt sighed and shrugged. "I think he's doing the same thing."

I don't know exactly what he meant by that, but he told me that I should try to open my mind to new options, that there are things that come with time, but sometimes they just don't, no matter how much we want them. "So you shouldn't close all your doors, Peter."

Tony says that I'm in love and that makes me stupid. I guess it's true, but I don't know how to change that.

 

**December 15, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

I met someone new, his name is Clint and he is my new tutor student.

Teacher Matt told me that I have great knowledge and my grades are the highest, so he asked if I could give classes to a senior year boy. I accepted and now I'm helping Clint.

He's a great guy, blond and blue eyes, he uses a hearing aid to listen better, although he says he prefers sign language, which he's teaching me between recesses. Clint is in the target shooting team, he's the best in his category and he is not silly at all, he's simply lazy in terms of school studies. 

Clint doesn't have a girlfriend, but says he's not interested in having one. "I think I'm asexual," he told me one day "Although I've had a lot of sex."

I didn't know what to answer, so I just told him I wouldn't try to flirt with him. Clint just laughed.

Clint and Wade are friends, and he says that I'm too cute for someone like him. "Your chance depends on how much you want to fight," Clint said one day while trying to solve a math problem. "Wade's not easy, his mind is more powerful than his heart, so you must have patience."

This thing about being patient and giving time to things seems exhausting, they all say the same thing, but nobody explains how to make that time shorter.

Clint is good at chess, and today while we were playing he made me promise that I would go see him in one of his archery competitions. He was winning the match, which is impressive because I almost never find someone who can rival me in chess. I think Clint doesn't really need extracurricular classes, he just uses them as an excuse not to study at home.

Today was a good day.

 

**December 17, 2016**

Dear Spider-man,

Christmas is near and I'm still debating what I'm going to give Wade. I think it's harder because I really want to give him something special.

Nat tells me not to think too much about it. "Wade will probably be happy with whatever you give him."

Which is true, but I don't want to give him just anything.

Today Wade introduced us to Nathan, well to me at least, because the others already knew him.

He's a big guy and has a metal arm, they say he lost it in an accident, and I didn't want to ask because it would probably be impolite.

Nathan looked at me the whole time we were together, as if studying me. I think it was kind of uncomfortable, until finally he came over and asked me about my life. I told him everything I could. I talked about spiders, my aunt, my brother, my favorite books and that I know nothing about sports.

He heard all this, and at the end just laughed, shaking his head and patting Wade's shoulder "I see."

Then Gamora talked about the _awesome_ gift she has for the other Peter, who at that time was buying some candy. It's something related to space, of course, and I thought it would give me an idea, but Wade is not really fond to that subject, so it wasn't that helpful.

By the time the bell rang, Wade started helping me pick up my things while the others left. Nathan stayed with us and waved goodbye to Wade with a simple nod of the head, then he approached me and whispered. "You're a nice kid, Pete, try not to get hurt."

And now I'm really confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have."_   
>    
>  **Stephen Chbosky**


End file.
